Posted by: traveljunkies | November 22, 2010

Things not to do in 2011

As we  come near the end of another year – I want to thank  all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I  am totally screwed up now and have little chance of  recovery.

I  no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper  towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without  worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I  can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know  what the last person was doing while flipping through the  adult movie channels.

I  have trouble shaking hands with someone who has  been driving because the number one pastime while driving  alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be  taking the number one spot).

I  can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has  placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I  must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop  in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet  sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing

Also,now I have to scrub the top of every  can I open for the same reason.

I  no longer have any savings because I gave it to  a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital  for the 1,387,258th time.

I  no longer have any money at all, but that will change  once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their  special e-mail program.

I  no longer worry about my soul because I have  363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I  no longer eat KFC cause the chickens are horrible mutant  freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I  no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell  like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned  that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to  seven of my friends and make a wish within five  minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it  can remove toilet stains.

I  no longer can buy petrol  or diesel without  taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t  crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I  no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave  because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the  microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face..  Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer  check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a  needle infected with AIDS.

I  no longer go to shopping malls because someone will  drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I  no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed  Ex since they are  actually Al Qaeda in disguise. And I  no longer answer the phone because someone will  ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with  calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and  Uzbekistan

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black spider is  lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites  my butt.

I  can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy petrol from certain fuel companies!

I  can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid  I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If  you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the  next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your  head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12  camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a  friend of my next door neighbors’ ex-mother-in-law’s second  husband’s cousin’s beautician . . .

Oh,  by the way…..A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people  with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don’t  bother taking it off now, it’s too late,. you have already been recorded and added to the list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

traveljunkies – adventure travel & activities directory & search engine.
Like Google only smaller.
www.traveljunkies.com

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